The Top Tips for Getting in Shape [Humor]

January 5, 2015

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If your New Year’s resolution was to get in shape, we can help you get started with this list of The Top Tips for Getting in Shape.


Start eating kale.  But don’t start talking about eating kale, or I’ll kill you.

Eliminate carbs.  Sounds tough, but remember:  cocaine doesn’t have carbs.

Find a workout buddy.  Or a prostitute.  Either way, you’ve got someone to help burn calories.

Be a bad president.  Look how skinny it made Obama!

Cut fatty things from your life.  That’s right.  Get divorced.

Take the stairs at work.  Don’t have a job?  Take the stairs at home.  Don’t have a home?  Maybe fitness shouldn’t be a priority at this time.

Do one squat thrust every time a woman accuses Bill Cosby of sexual assault.

Stop posting memes that say things like, “Chubbies cuddle better.”

Every time you’re about to eat something unhealthy, think about your kids.  You’ll immediately take a shot of whisky instead.

Even if you must eat the whole bag of microwave popcorn, at least refrain from licking the butter out of the empty bag.

Join CrossFit.  Especially if you’re a self-involved a-hole who loves sharing your workouts with Facebook friends who honestly couldn’t care less.

Having sex is a great way to burn calories.  So whatever you do, avoid getting married.

Attempt to do the impossible and convince yourself steamed tofu DOESN’T have the taste and consistency of a festering dish sponge.

Take the stairs instead of the elevator.  And don’t worry, the residual wheezing is also a good calorie-burner.

Move to the Midwest, where you’ll suddenly seem much slimmer by comparison.

Give yourself an incentive to workout . . . like riding your bike to the Cinnabon.

Make sure the six-pack you’re working on at the gym isn’t Guinness.

Do ten crunches every morning . . . but throw the wrappers away before your trainer sees you.