The Top Things You Don't Want to Hear on a First Date

September 19, 2014

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Going on a first date can be awesome . . . or it can be hell.  Here are The Top Things You Don’t Want to Hear on a First Date.


. . . And that’s when I realized that white supremacy was for me.


Trust me, you’re gonna want to wear a condom when you hit this.


Hi, I’m in the NFL.


I don’t believe in creation OR evolution.  I think we’re all just characters in one of Kanye West’s dreams.


Do you speak Klingon, too?


I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a TV star, but I WAS on an episode of “Cops”.


I gotta take this call.  It’s my wife.


My water broke.


Thanks to all the electro-shock therapy, I no longer hear screams at night.


Before we order the appetizers, I should tell you, I’m required by the state to disclose a couple things about my past.


This movie is so unrealistic.  Believe me, that’s NOT what happens when you bury a corpse in the middle of the woods.


Sorry I couldn’t take you to that other restaurant.  Turns out, it’s entirely staffed by women I’m stalking.


No matter what happens, I KNOW I’m getting lucky tonight.  Because I just slipped myself a roofie.


In the trunk.  NOW!




You’re a 38D?  So am I!


I hope this leads to a second date . . . because I’ve never had one.


And THAT is when I got REALLY into necrophilia.