The Top Things You Don't Want to Hear on a First Date

September 19, 2014

No Comments

 

Photo: twirlit.com

 

Going on a first date can be awesome . . . or it can be hell.  Here are The Top Things You Don’t Want to Hear on a First Date.

 

. . . And that’s when I realized that white supremacy was for me.

 

Trust me, you’re gonna want to wear a condom when you hit this.

 

Hi, I’m in the NFL.

 

I don’t believe in creation OR evolution.  I think we’re all just characters in one of Kanye West’s dreams.

 

Do you speak Klingon, too?

 

I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a TV star, but I WAS on an episode of “Cops”.

 

I gotta take this call.  It’s my wife.

 

My water broke.

 

Thanks to all the electro-shock therapy, I no longer hear screams at night.

 

Before we order the appetizers, I should tell you, I’m required by the state to disclose a couple things about my past.

 

This movie is so unrealistic.  Believe me, that’s NOT what happens when you bury a corpse in the middle of the woods.

 

Sorry I couldn’t take you to that other restaurant.  Turns out, it’s entirely staffed by women I’m stalking.

 

No matter what happens, I KNOW I’m getting lucky tonight.  Because I just slipped myself a roofie.

 

In the trunk.  NOW!

 

Dad?

 

You’re a 38D?  So am I!

 

I hope this leads to a second date . . . because I’ve never had one.

 

And THAT is when I got REALLY into necrophilia.