Things You Won't Hear Your Dad Say

June 15, 2014

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In honor of all the Dad’s out there, please enjoy the Top Things You Won’t Hear Your Dad Say. HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!


Boy did I make the right decision choosing one woman to have sex with for the rest of my life.

How did I feel when you wanted to play the viola instead of football?  Ecstatic, of course.

This Father’s Day I want nothing more than to be with you kids and your mom.

Why didn’t you just say you wanted to drop out of college and become a street musician?  Let me buy you a new harmonica.

There’s no way I can build that new addition . . . I have minimal experience and substandard tools!

Thanks to menopause, your mom looks hotter than ever.

You’re right, honey.  The NFL RedZone package is taking me away from you on Sundays.  I’ll cancel it.

Even though you still live in my basement, son, I’m glad you’re my namesake.

There’s no way I’m going to stop and admire that classic Corvette in the grocery store parking lot.

You SURE you want to go to college?  It would be a shame to see all that stand-up comedian potential go to waste.

Ugh, enough with the Bob Seger music!

Thanks, but Old Spice is a bit too strong for me.

Wouldn’t it be a better idea to invest in a sensible Dodge Caravan?

Instead of me trying to fix this, let’s just call a repairman.

You’ll never catch me in a pair of Dockers!

I’m proud of you.  WHY?  WHY?  WOULD IT HAVE HURT TO JUST SAY IT ONCE IN A WHILE?  Uh, sorry about that.

I love and respect your mother way too much to hit on the golf cart girl at this golf course.

A clogged-up sink?  Well, I certainly lack the knowledge and expertise to handle that, better call a plumber!

No beer for me, thanks.  I like to watch my football sober.

Your mom and I are having way too much sex.

Gonna skip watching football today . . . don’t want to miss the big clearance sale at Linens & Things.

Honey, would you please go to my computer and look at my browser history, and then clear it, please?

Don’t call what your mom does all the time “nagging” . . . it’s constructive criticism only meant to make me feel better about myself.

Actually, you kids have it much harder now than when I was a kid.  I had a spoiled and entitled childhood.

According to this article in “Cosmo” . . .

I get tons of compliments when I wear dark socks with sandals.